Married folk advice needed? Becoming a Man?

I am a nice guy. I try to be a provider for my wife, cooking, cleaning, working, brushing her hair, rubbing her back, generally being a nice guy. I can't help the way i was raised


( To be thoughtful of others ). I feel like i am being taken advantage of in my marraige and i've had alot of close friends tell me that i need to be more assertive and manly.


(';Yeah, you should start acting like a man and not a little boy hoping to please his mommy.';). Problem is i don't know how and i don't like confrontations.





I feel like My wife doesn't find me Manly enough for her taste. Obviously most of my friends don't either.





I guess My question is: How can a loveing caring family man


(such as myself) become the rougher but still gentle manly man that she wants.





or am i just peeing in the wind hopeing that i can change myself for a demanding women.Married folk advice needed? Becoming a Man?
I am a fellow man who cooks, cleans, works, does special things for my wife. Let me start by stating...I don't think that makes you less manly. You are a giving, sacrificing man. I think those are awesome qualities. My wife is also giving to me and generous. It is what has made our marriage strong. Assertiveness is a different ball of wax and requires you to understand yourself more and be more confident in your actions.





I went to a seminar called, ';The Role of the man in the family';. It changed my life and my perspective as a husband and father. Between that and years of counseling, I've learned a few things to help me to feel strong and confident.





Some of the biggest things I've learned:





have life goals beyond my reach - Always stretching myself and when getting near my goals, to set them further out. This includes financial as well as relational.





Peas and Carrots decisions - Make decisions, even small ones. Never say, ';I don't care';. If someone asks you if you want peas or carrots, pick one. If your wife asks you what you want for dinner, decide something. The small decisions make the bigger ones easier. They also give other the perception that you are more confident and stronger.





Be independant and have things that are your own. I go out backpacking with my friends and it is something I do outside of my life with my wife. Have your own hobbies. Sharing can lead toward co-dependance. Make sure that you understand the difference and keep yourself on the side of sharing.





Learn your emotional and decision cycles - Understanding yourself and the way you tick will help you to not only control your reactions to situations, but your reactions to others and others perception of you. They will find you more ';manly';.





Don't let others convince you that being sensitive to your wife makes you less manly. Anyone who is strong enough to be open about sensitivity to others is manly and only shows how confident you really are. Men who aren't truly confident and manly, over-compensate by showing manliness in other ways.Married folk advice needed? Becoming a Man?
Benjamin. You sound alot like my husband. He spoils me. I've never been treated the way he treats me. He rubs my back or plays with my hair till I fall asleep. He will even draw me a bath or rub my feet. He leaves me notes alot and buys me flowers quite often. And you know what? I didn't know how to take all of that. I tried to keep up with returning the feelings, but again. I have never experienced that before and didn't know what to do. I obviously hurt him, not realizing it. Because I didn't do for him what he did for me. It took me a while to realize that I do things for him in different ways than him for me when it comes to showing affection. I make sure I get up in the morning and make his coffee before he goes to work., I pack his lunch, I clean house (sometimes I slack there). I will shoot him an email every once in awhile. I do at times feel pressured to keep up with him which in turn puts me in a slump. You may want to just back off on certain things and see if she moves forward in showing you. Trust me also when I say. I am probably the most confrontational person (I'm a redhead) someone could ever come across. But once I hear his side, he needs to leave me be to think it all through. Then it will eventually turn on in my head like a light bulb. Give it a chance. Slow some things down and see what happens. Oh, and don't crowd her. Give her her space that is needed to be herself. Don't be there all of the time wanting to hold her hand or kiss on her. You may want to be with her all of the time, but believe me, you do that and she may just end up feeling like she has lost herself. A woman feeling as if she has lost her identity is not a good thing. Not knowing who she is anymore. That was me. I tried to do what my husband wanted. Holding hands, sitting with him all the time, kissing, hugging, etc. never going anywhere without each other. This got stressful and I couldn't bare it. It eventually worked out. Now we are equally feeling very close and things couldn't be better. Thing is. We've known each other for 19 years. Hang in there. The quicker you resolve this the better off things will be between you two.
your wife must love who you are and if you feel the need to change ask her what she would like you might be surprised by what she Say's sometimes our family and friend's are just a bit jealous you sound like your a man that knows how to treat his wife to me and if she likes it and you feel good for it leave it your a man just a real good one good luck you are lucky you were raised to be so good
www.nomoremrniceguy.com





Its not about how to stop being nice. Its about how to start being a nice man.





The problem is - as you identified - you are afraid of confrontation. There is no magic solution, you're just going to have to practice dealing with confrontation.





You don't need to be rougher, you just need to have a backbone underneath your niceness.





You can't change for a demanding woman, at least not the way she wants. You need to do this for yourself, and for your kids. You need to show them how a man is supposed to behave, for any sons how they should act, and for daughters, what she should expect. Do you want your kids to model the relationship you have now?





Go to the site.
It sounds like you are being the type of man that many women desire but can't have.


Only you can decide the amount of integrity you are willing to have as a man, no one can teach you how to become a ';real'; man because mostly what they would tell you (like your friends) would be the cliche' type of manly hood that the world stresses on men all the time. being macho doesn't prove anything in my opinion, as a matter of a fact I would like to see men be a little more loving and sensitive like you're describing, but yet still have some masculinity, to where you can tell the difference between the man and the woman.


Maybe your being perinoid because your friends are pressuring you? Or maybe they're wives and girlfriends would like them to take some lessons from you. *wink* *wink*
Nothing wrong with brushing hair but here is the selfhness test.





When you turn 40 and you need some help getting it up -- is she going to be going down on you are you going to be brushing her hair.
Um, u don't, u stay the way u are. She married u for u. U don't marry someone hoping to change them.





Tell her to accept it or not but u will not change. Why would u want to, god if I had a man like u I wouldn't be getting divorced haha!
Has she asked you to change or are you just listening to your drinkin' buddies (keep your pimp hand strong, kinda crap??).


Unless she tells you that you are a little so sweet for her, let it be, and be happy that you actually care about your wife and family....
I don't think you should change at all. You sound wonderful.





BUT, I think the real issue is when a problem arrises with your wife, you don't speak up or put your foot down.





If something bothers you, you need to voice it. And you don't need to be ';manly'; about it. You are manly-- just not in a jerk way! Just come out and say it.
Who cares what the friends think. No where in your statements did you say that your wife is unhappy with you. You feel like your wife doesn't find you manly is different then her saying it. So if she hasn't said anything, why make it an issue. Sounds to me like she is happy having a submissive hubby who rubs her back and brushes her hair. If it works for you and she likes it, tell your friends to back off. Its none of their business.
You are being a ';man'; with all that and a bag of chips... don't listen to your friends and keep your private life more private... they will only cloud your thinking. Your wife may need a little wake up call... mix up your routine, change the ways in which you approach things, meaning still do what you want to do but also do one thing for yourself like the gym... something innocent that causes her to have a little less of your time... remember, girls respond to a challenge, they are attracted to having a challenge... just change things up to create that... it'll work. Ask her from time to time politely to help out with certain chores because you have to hit the gym or golf course driving range or whatever... a new side thing will make her wonder... ask her to wash the dishes and clean with you... mix it up.
your wife should not want you to change, she married you for the way you are, I f she really loves loves you you should be manly enough for her.
You r wife doesnt appreciate what a loving wonderful guys shes got, then thats her peoblem. U were raised polite and caring, shes a lucky lady. Maybe just dont be so touchy, thats all i can think, sumtimes we ladies get a lil annoyed at being touched lal the time. A lil peck and a hug here or there is fine
This I will never understand! Women ***** and complain ';I wish he was more there for me and hes such a ******'; blah blah blah and when a woman gets the perfect kind of man they complain ';Why cant you be more manly!'; ha!!! Listen there is nothing wrong with you except that you wife needs to appreciate and realize what she has and what other women dont have ... A GREAT MAN!!!
You are who you are, never change for someone else, it just doesn't work.


I got breast implants 9 years ago because I thought my ex husband would want me more and not cheat on me again if I had larger breasts...guess what? My breasts were not the problem and I had my implants removed nearly two years ago, I am very petite and have a pretty face...and yes a flat chest...but I am a beautiful person inside and out and to hell with anyone who thinks I am not. Same with you, don't try to be someone you're not, because that is not attractive.
All you need to do is say ';No'; more often.


You don't to change who you are, but you do have to stand up for yourself.





Example: If she likes her meat well done start cooking it rare. If she comments about it just say you cooked to how you like it.. And you'll try and remember that for nest time. Now the trick is to NOT ALWAYS COMPLY to her requests.


DO NOT OFFER TO COOK IT LONGER.





Do things how you think they should be done and NOT the way your wife would like it done.





dishes, cooking, cleaning can all be done your way.





Example: I do not fold my kids clothes. I sort the clean clothes and give them a pile of clothes to fold and put away. I do fold my wife's clothes, but I don't put them away correctly. Some how I always put stuff in the wrong place. When my wife complains I tell her I can just leave her clothes out and she can put them away so they go into the right place.





';I am MAN and I do laundry MY WAY!';


Of course sometimes I daisy chain her panties for fun.


The look on her face is so worth it.
Only you can decide what ';manly'; means. If being kind and thoughtful and treating people right makes you less manly than you think you should be, perhaps it's time to decide that being ';manly'; isn't your goal... Don't be a pushover - stand up for what you believe in and don't be pushed around, but you can do that and still be a nice guy at the same time.





Don't let other people tell you how to act. Be yourself. If they aren't happy, that's their issue, not yours.
Seems like YOU would have made somebody a good wife.
Well, you could do some passive aggressive things like leave the toilet seat up or throw a red sock in with the whites. Or you could just say no when you feel like she's taking advantage of you.





You don't mention if she works too. If she does, then I don't think you're doing anything out of the ordinary, just your share of the chores.
You can be all that and still be an asshole sometimes because trust me all guys are assholes sometimes .
';Being a man'; does not mean being a jerk. On the other hand, if you are tender, kind, thoughtful, and she is being a jerk, then you are not respecting yourself.





Are you doing these caring behaviors because you are wanting her love and approval? And then being disappointed if you don't get it? You don't need to be confrontational, you can just withdraw and it sends a message as well.





Relationships are like a dance, there needs to be give and take, and a certain amount of tension. Maybe you need to create some tension. Not by being angry or a jerk, just find something else to do other than give your wife attention. Wait until she wants, and even asks, before giving her attention. It may take her a little while, give it a day or two. But she will notice the change in your behavior. At first she may feel a sense of relief not to be the center of all your attention. You sound like a really caring person but not everyone needs that much attention all the time. Give her enough space so that she starts to miss you. Let her come to you for attention instead of always offering it. It's not a game, its just human nature to that if we have to work for something, we appreciate it more. If she is not appreciating what you have to offer, hold it in reserve until she misses it and comes looking for it.





Just my two cents.
People will treat you only how you allow them to treat you.





You probably have been so nice to your wife for so long that she just expects you to be that way. Maybe she is just taking advantage of you or maybe she does not even realize that she is acting any differently than she always has acted with you.





Either way. If she is not respecting you in the way you feel you should be respected than maybe you need to bring this up to her. You can still be a nice person and demand a little bit of respect at the same time.
Tell her how you feel. Ask her how she feels about you. Ask her if she would prefer that you give her a little space. Maybe there is something else in your relationship bothering her. Make this a serious conversation (not a whiny one) and let her know that you feel your relationship with her is really at stake.
Oh sweetie, my husband is the same way. It took him a while to be able to balance the two. He is still sweet and lovable with me and the kids but he has also become extremely protective and more outspoken if someone says something about it. You can be the sweet family guy and still make her feel protected and secure mostly that's what the manly man thing is when it comes to women. We want to feel safe. All it took with my hubby was the first time I fell asleep in his arms I said ';I feel so safe in your arms'; as I was falling asleep and he tilted my head up to him and kissed me and said you are I'd die before anything happened to you.


I hope she soon realizes that you don't have to be the typical jerk to be a man. There are few guys out there like that anymore and IMO she, like me is one of the lucky girls that got one. Good luck.