Getting Married and need advice for an overpowering mother-in-law!!?

I'm getting married in October of 2008. My future mother-in-law is trying very hard to make me have a huge, elaborate wedding when all my fiance and I want is a simple ceremony and reception. So far I've been good about just nodding to whatever she says and then doing whatever I want to, but she announced to me this week that SHE is sending out ';save the date'; cards to her family. She isn't consulting me on who she is sending them to. I begged her to keep her guest list under 60, but she told me she can't promise she'll be able to. Do I really have no say in this??? My dad is paying for the wedding and reception and my fiance and I really don't want more than 120 people there. And isn't it way too early to send out save-the-date cards for a late 2008 wedding?? Every time I try to talk to her about this she acts like I'm really hurting her feelings...





Any and all advice will be greatly appreciated!Getting Married and need advice for an overpowering mother-in-law!!?
You are going to have to get tough.





How dare she?? This is YOUR wedding! And YOUR family is paying for it!





If she was paying for it, it would put you in a tricky situation, but she's not, and it's not her wedding, so she is going to have to do as you want.





By making you feel that you are hurting her feelings, she is totally manipulating you. She is ruining your big day, this is the day you will be looking back at for the next 50 years, do you want to remember it as a day that was frustrating, and not what you wanted??





Your fiance will have to be a man and step in here. I know all too well how it is when a mother in law is overbearing, very often the son does not want to get involved! It's tough because he wull feel he is choosing between you and her, but this is your day. Be firm, you are not being selfish in the least!





Good luck xxGetting Married and need advice for an overpowering mother-in-law!!?
If your parents are paying, then your mother in law has no right to invite more than her allotted amount. Tell her that she will be billed for the costs of any extra guests above 60. The ';hurt feelings'; is manipulation. Have your fiancee deal with his mother.
Let her. Then invite who you want, and if she protests, tell her that you warned her.
My X mil was soooo dominating! Especially with the wedding! She picked the colors, cause she didn't agree with me. She basically picked out the bride's maids dresses, music...just about everything!!!


I couldn't find a backbone to get to her...but she ruled everything!


Even when it came time to buy our first house. She invited us over, sat us on our couch, and preached to us how she does not like the house...too early to buy a house, etc.


DON'T LET YOUR'S GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING!!! STOP IT NOW BEFORE SHE GETS OUT OF HAND...SHE'LL NEVER STOP...EVEN AFTER THE WEDDING!


Yes, too early for saving the date. I'd lose that card in a year...lol.


Best wishes to you and your fiance!!
Honey, your fiancee needs to talk to her. It's his mother.


It's your day and should be the way you want. End of story. I don't care if her feelings are getting hurt or not. If she starts now to control your life and the way things should be, imagine when you have kids!!!


Don't let her get her way. Your fiancee needs to be firm with her. Don't give her that power.
Your fiancee needs to step up here. You have already made your feelings known, and she is ignoring them. He needs to tell her to cool it.


She should be told that if she sends the ';save the date'; cards, she better be prepared for the fallout when half of them don't actually receive an invitation. If your father is paying for the wedding, part of that is the invitations and it will be up to him (and you and your fiancee) how many are ordered. And if you send them out yourself, you will know exactly who receives one.


It sounds like she is a real gem, you are going to have to be able to put your foot down and take back control, or else she will butt in in other parts of your marriage too. You may end up offending her, but isn't that what she is doing to you? Why should you try to protect her feelings when she has no concern for yours?
Elope!
sit her down and say to her that u appreciate all shes done and u really appreciate the help shes given but because ur parents are paying for the wedding and the reception, u have to put ur foot down and u have to see who she is sending cards to because ur parents only paid for 120 people so any amount after that will not be allowed to attend. if she gets all fussy just say i feel like u arent respecting MY wedding plans and u are making this about u and what u want. or just give her 60 save the date cards and tell her she cant have anymore!! haha and wheres ur fiance during this? he should be able to step up to his own mother...and if all else fails have UR parents pull her aside and say sometihng because that isnt right at all!! im sorry about ur monster in law...good luck on ur wedding
You have complete say in this! Tell her that she can send the save the date cards to whoever she wants, but you and your fiance are only inviting 60 of her friends/family to the wedding, at your discretion based on her final list. Let it be known that there will ONLY be 60 seats for their side.





Be nice, but firm. And stop nodding and then doing your own thing. That's not helping matters. Keep this in mind: the precident you start now will exist for the rest of your marriage. Don't be a pushover, but don't be mean either.
How about? - You and your bf pay for your wedding all by yourselves and then you plan what you want, but politely taking advice from both sets of parents and honoring some of their wishes. That way you set the number of guests you and your bf can afford to host, and the style of wedding you want.
My mother-in law looked like Fred Flintstone and acted like Sybil.


This is your wedding...now it looks like the only feelings getting misunderstood are yours. Start now by being diplomatic and setting limits. The only reason your mother in- law is being like this is because you are young and vulnerable and afraid to hurt anybodies feelings. She needs an attitude adjustment right off...and don't worry she will not want to see it get bad before the wedding...excert your will. It is your wedding not hers!
It is never too early for save the date cards.





However you have to tell her point blank that your Dad will only pay for 120 guests, before it is too late.





I would also hand her your parents guest list, and tell her that everyone should get the same save the date cards.
Your fiance needs to step up. Your MIL needs to take into consideration your father is footing the bill. Explain this to her and suggest it needs to be done your way or you will need money from her to help foot the bill.
Where the heck is your fiance in all this? Tell him to back you up. Tell her she has 60 people period....you are paying for the wedding and this is her limit - thats it - no arguments. ITS YOUR WEDDING NOT HERS! If she pouts - tough crap, because no matter what you do (even if you do everything she wants) she will still be unhappy.
Well its good that you wrote now, just as the planning is beginning. Hopefully you can nip this in the bud!


Call her, or have your fiance call her. Tell her that you have something specific in mind for your save-the-dates, and you will be taking care of that. Then, you can say something like, ';I will talk to my parents about how many guests you can invite, and I will get back to you.'; If she argues or tries to twist it around, just repeat yourself: ';I hear what youre saying/ I appreciate your offer, but I will talk to my parents and get back to you.'; or ';This is just the way we (you and fiance) are going to do it.';


If, when she makes her final list, it is over 60, tell her she has to make some cuts, and get your fiance to back you up, of course.


The main thing is being control with your language. Using words like ';I will...'; ';I am going to...'; instead of ';I want to...'; ';If you dont mind...';


Also, think of something wedding-related that you dont care much how its done, and delegate that to her. It will involve her. After this little incident is over, keep the situation in check by always telling her who is doing what.


Good luck, I hope this helps!


PS: If your wedding is in your hometown, about 7-9 months before you can send save-the-date cards. If its at some other destination, allow a year or more for people to make travel plans.
Maybe get your dad to speak to her
Where is your fiance in all this? He should be telling her that their side of the guest list is 60 total and that's it. Your MIL is being extremely rude considering that your dad is paying for this wedding. Your fiance needs to talk to his mother right NOW. She needs to cease and desist and don't let him agree to it when she offers to pay for the extra people. First of all you'll never see a dime from her and second of all, you're trying to have a smaller wedding. Something else that your fiance needs to explain to his mother. He also needs to explain to her that it's rude and tacky for her to send out save the date cards separate from yours. This woman is out of control and your fiance needs to reel her back in.
You are going to have to ';hurt her feelings'; or you will start your marriage with lots of bills, resentment and anger. It is up to your fiance to talk to his mother. He needs to be a man and step up here. But if he won't, you must say, ';I'm sorry but my family cannot afford a large elaborate ceremony. You can only invite __ guests.'; By speaking up now, you will set the tone for later on. Don't be afraid to do so. Don't let her ruin your wedding and possibly your marriage.
Your fiance has to speak to her and put his foot down...and now!
Tell her only 60 of her people will be getting invitations and you're concerned that someone might be insulted if she sends them a save the date card and then they don't make the invitation cut.
you know what i hate to say this but, just let her iinvite whomever she wants BECAUSE it will save you a big headach later on. and can house some serious grudges that can last a lifetime. i know it's your wedding and you should have a say. but what i worse have your mother in law very angry and resentful towards you or 50 extra people at your wedding whom you won't really talk to and will give you 100$ a peice as a gift. It's the lesser of the two evils here, not who's right or wrong. if it was anything other that a wedding i would say screw her, but this is going to be one of the most important day in her life too, she is giveing away her son and if she is hurt by not being able to invite whom she wants that she will NOTT soon forget it. Sorry to hear she is doing this to you, but save yourself and humor her:)
Tell her you appreciate all the help but at the same time she are stealing the wedding day away from you. You also need to make sure the groom to be is on the same page with you.





Do not let her run your wedding, you have to sit down and get the final wedding list down.





Unless it is a holiday weekend 6 months notice should be a good for save the date.





Maybe you should act like your feeling are hurt next time, she plans something without you.
This is YOUR wedding. You must show her respect, not obeisance. Have a pow-wow with your parents, your fiance, her and you, and her son should read her the Riot Act ahead of time. If he doesn't stand up to his mother now, you're going to have a very rough marriage because she will always try to control you and him. Do it NOW. And if her feelings get hurt because you stand up for yourself, so what? That won't kill her. Treat her with love and respect, tell her you value her input, but what YOU want will be what is going to be, and you would appreciate her cooperation.





If she wants a bigger bash then you do, suggest that she keep to your plans but throw a party after the wedding for those who couldn't be invited the first time around. Good luck, and congratulations.
Think of it this way...if you don't speak up who's going to suffer the most?? Your Father....he's the one paying for it so as far as I see, besides you and your fiance, he's the only other person who should have a say in this whole affair....


What does your fiance say about all this?? You should talk to him about it....I really think you need to nip this in the bud and quick!!!!


This sounds like the movie '; Monster in Law'; if you haven't seen it, do......
Simple answer first: You can send Save-the-Date cards a year in advance, though most people do that 6 to 9 months ahead of time. It really depends on your guests. Mainly this is used for people who will have to coordinate travel plans... or folks that are more 'socialites' or have more pressing schedules.





As for the Mother-in-Law / Wedding situation:





1) It is imperitive that you talk with your fiance immediately. You must be on the 'same page' with him so that you can be united in your message to his mother. If he seeks to appease his mom and you keep nodding then doing something else, you're going to wind up with a big mess.





2) Once you %26amp; your fiance have decided together that your wedding will be 'small' - so it provides the intimacy you're looking for AND stays within your parents' budget - you must then sit down with your mother-in-law.





Let her know that you appreciate her enthusiasm with regard to your wedding but that you are limiting the number of guests because that is what YOU (the 2 of you) want for YOUR wedding. It's okay to tell her that there is a budget for the reception. She may offer to pay the extra for her family %26amp; friends. You'll have to stand firm that you only want 60 guests. And, again, thank her for her offer... and her understanding. [People live up to the expectations you have for them. So, treat her like she's 'excited' for the 2 of you and just getting a bit carried away.]





Tell her that she can invite 'x' number of people - if that's 30 from each side. And, if absolutely necessary, remind her that this is YOUR wedding, not hers. Maybe even suggest that if she would like to hold a separate party for her family %26amp; friends to celebrate your wedding after the fact, that she can certainly do that as a generous gift to the 2 of you. ;-)





Take a deep breath. This is a temporary situation. Your marriage and your love for your hubby-to-be will endure!
You have all the 'say so' in this! Your the one getting married not her, and your Dad is doing the paying. If you let her walk over you know then its going to be a lot worse later..trust me on this, i have been there!! Just let her know the limits (guests under 60 and thats it)!! I would be stubborn with her, because she sounds like she is in control when you need to be in control. If her feelings get hurt then talk with her alone, but DO NOT change your mind. If she knows where you stand on things then (more than likely she will) she wont try to over power you, because after a while she will relize that it doesnt work with you. She will get over her hurt feelings, she is a big girl. Also , i think its never too early to send out save the date cards to people.


Anyway thats what worked for me. I hope things work out for you and your wedding, i have gone through this kinda thing and I know there is hope!
Have your fiance talk to her. It won't be as bad coming from him as it would from you, or at least do it as a couple. Explain to her why this is unacceptable behavior.





1) Your budget cannot afford over the 60 you have allotted his side, and she is not contributing.


2) Even though she wants to invite the whole family and then some it is not her wedding but your fiance and yours, and ultimately you, he, and your father (who is paying) will have the final say-so.





So even if she sends these cards out that doesn't mean they will all get an invite in the end. (By the way, when you order invites DO NOT give her any. Mail them all out yourself.)





Ask her to make a guest list and write it in the order of importance. From her all the way down to 4th cousin (by marriage) Mabel. Then tell her that you will take the top 60 (or whatever number you choose) and cannot guarantee anyone else will get an invite, but after your side makes their list, and you as a couple make your list, and if there are any left-over openings you will take from her list in the order of importance.





.......And yes, it's WAY too early to send out save-the-date cards. Wait until this time next year, or at least spring 2008.
I am having a similar problem, My wedding is in less than 2 months and my finace and I are paying for everything. My future MIL has decided to send out her own invitations to those ppl we didn't feel the need to invite. She has added approx. 20 ppl to our guest list, ppl that my fiance doesn't even know!!


I finally out my foot down and made it clear to her that the extra ppl she invited she would have to pay for. Everything down to the chair they parked their butt on and the food they shoved in their mouths. She decided to chill after she knew that she was going to be responsible for their cost.


Your fiance needs to help with this though, take it from my experience, you doing it alone will only make things worse.
I don't want to sound mean, but how did you let it get this far? If you would have cut her off much earlier then this she wouldn't think that this horrible behavior is acceptable. And yes it is WAY to early to send out save-the-dates. Good luck dealing with this for the rest of your life if you let her get away with it now. Plus, you don't want to end up resenting her just because you didn't have the b@lls to stand up for yourself and make your wedding day your own.
Somebody needs to sit on this woman, and it needs to be her son.





1: it's far too early to send out save the date cards


2: one NEVER sends out save the date cards to someone else's wedding


3: the groom's mother is not in charge of the guest list


4: if she wants to invite a million people without consulting the bride and groom, she'd better be ready to darn well pay for them or eat crow and uninvite them herself.





Where is your fiance's father in all this? Is he in the picture? If so, why isn't he doing anything about this?





If a quiet word from your fiance doesn't take care of this, then it's time for a family pow-wow where you, your father, AND your fiance all inform her that her plan is not acceptable and will not be financed or countenanced by anyone else.





Stick to your guns...and hurry to book a place that won't accomodate more than 120 people.
Tell her thanks for the enthusiasm and wanting to help, but that You've got it taken care of so far. Remind her that this far ina dvance, dates are likely to change, so to please not send out save the date cards. GIve her something to be in charge of to distract her from other things. Like maybe put her in charge of getting the favors and trying ribbons or something. That way, she has her own projects and is less likely to get involved with things she shouldn't be.